Office life can be hard. It can be harder when every article you read on Forbes is about how millennials will now have to work until they are 70 in order to retire comfortably. It can be even harder when you refresh the page and the number changes in front of your eyes; Sorry, you have to work till you’re 75 now.
After spending your weekend in the fetal position, simultaneously recovering from the weight of the work week you just finished and shielding yourself from the onslaught that awaits you on Monday, you rise from your cowered state with a steely resolve in your eye.
Click. Ding. A revelation. “I need to growth hack my career!” you say to yourself, not entirely sure of what any of those words mean.
So you go to LinkedIn and Medium for inspiration from real people (screw you, Forbes!) — writers and entrepreneurs and coaches and the like—and you start reading. A lot.
First, you learn the one trait Elon Musk, Steve Jobs and whoever the CEO of General Mills is all had, and kick yourself for not developing it earlier. I mean, c’mon! It was right there!
You learn about 20 job interviewing tricks to make sure you land your dream job. “Rad!” you say to yourself, punching your fist into the air—you just so happen to have a job interview next week! What a perfect chance to practice. You arrive, meet the hiring manager, and spend so much of your brain power trying to remember and implement the 20 tips that when the interviewer asks about your previous work experience, all you manage to blurt out is “um, the internet?” You don’t get a call back.
“I just need one more article,” you say to yourself, making less of an air punch this time around and more of what could be considered a depressed hi-ho gesture with your arm. But you’re not out yet. You click the first one you find. The cover image is of a young man and woman working on laptops in a European cafe. The title of the article is “Why You Should Travel More in Your 20s.” Your eyes spontaneously start bleeding.
Look. I get it. I’m with you, friend.
But do not fear! Don’t give up yet. I’ve compiled a list of totally real articles guaranteed to lift you out of your slump and get you well on your way to the Professional Business Person Life you’ve always wanted to lead.
(Well, I should clarify: These may not be “helpful” per se, but they are #relatable. And most importantly, they are honest. Someone just has to write them first.)
- I Really Pushed it with Giving the Absolute Minimum Amount of Effort at My Job for the Last Six Months, and My Boss Rightfully Fired Me; What I Did Next Revived my Career
- The Real Reason All Of the World’s Most Influential CEOs Drive Teslas That Have Vanity Plates With the Word “HUSTLE” On Them
- 7 Alternatives to Making Small Talk with the Coworker in the Urinal Next to You When You’re Just Trying to Pee and GTFO
- 12 Words You Can Insert into Any Sentence to Make it Sound Like You Know What You’re Talking About; The First One is “Utilize.”
- Disrupt Your Daily Routine By Doing This One Simple Thing—It’s Called “Eating A Whole Can of Pringles at Your Desk Before 10am While Ignoring Every Email in Your Inbox”
- My 80-Hour Work Week Destroyed Every Meaningful Human Relationship I’ve Ever Had in My Life But the Money Helps Me Numb My Denial
- How to Deal With the Enduring Cognitive Dissonance of Wondering if You Picked Your Major Just Because it Was Easy or if it Was Something You Actually Wanted To Do, and Feeling Guilt for Not Challenging Yourself More in College, Yet You Don’t Even Have the Energy to Challenge Yourself Now So What Reason Do You Have to Believe You Ever Even Had it in You To Try Harder in the First Place
- This Unsplash Photo of a Closed Macbook Pro on a Desk Inspired Me to Quit My Job — You’ll Want to Do the Same When You See It
